A Step-by-Step Guide to Picking Up Climber Chicks in the Gym

There she is, that hottie in the sports bra lacing up her muiras. Oh yeahhhhh. You totally wanna check out her figure….eight, don’t you? Well, there’s a method to this madness you young stud. First off, assume she knows absolutely nothing about climbing. Yes, she does want beta on that boulder problem. And she definitely wants you to campus it. This gives her the opportunity to lavish her eyes upon your glorious biceps….side note, your shirt is off here. As always. Duh. Don’t worry, the cold will make you look more defined. Goosebumps are SO in right now. And while we’re on the subject, some artfully torn jeans and a beanie are a staple of your casual look. Now that you’re looking mighty suave, it’s time to woo that damsel in distress. She just got that problem that you were kindly giving her beta on, and you need to go give her a high five! By the way, the secret to a great high five IS making eye-contact….no, not those eyes. Lower. There ya go! Now that you’ve given her that ego boost, it’s time to……wait, that was her warm-up? No worries! This provides the perfect opportunity to comment on how she’s “really in shape” and give her a once-over. By this point, it’s clear that she wants to climb with you, so follow her to her next boulder problem.

Ok, so her next boulder problem is a harder grade than you expected. But I mean, if she can do it then you can do it easily, right? I mean, she is a girl. First you need to establish your manliness. Let her know how easy this boulder problem is going to be for you. Say something about how you needed another warm-up anyway or something like that. Also, it’s very important to explain why this problem is going to be easy for you. This is an excuse to talk about how much you bench and how many push-ups you can do. She’ll be so impressed that you sending her project will just be icing on the cake. Alright, so after some of your helpful coaching, she’s ready to give it a go. Go ahead and give her a generous spot, and if your hands graze that booty, well, you’re just being safe! And she did wear yoga pants, so I mean, she obviously wants you to check out her butt. She could’ve worn sweats. Although, girls butts look good in sweats too. That girl over there is wearing sweats. Mmmm. Brooooo. Hey, focus! Oh phew, she made it to the top. Wait, she made it to the top? Hey, the only thing she should be flashing is you!

So now you have two options. You can not try the problem because, you know, that tendon you sprained lifting like a boss is hurting (wink wink). Or, you can try the problem and show her how easy it is. You’re gonna go for it? Of course you are bro! But first, do some flexing disguised as stretching. Take a quick glance at those biceps to make sure they look fierce. Don’t worry, she won’t notice. And they do look fierce! Ok show time! Annnnd go! …..ok well, getting to the third hold isn’t too bad! I mean, that problem is totally not your style, plus that hold definitely spun and you needed chalk and that tendon you sprained is acting up…yeah, play off that, she looks like she feels sorry for you….oh wait, she’s watching that tool over there on that V9. Psh, what a tool. But wait! This is your chance to show how laid-back you are. Watch him with her and act unimpressed that he’s on a V9. Psh, no, you don’t care about him. He’s no competition. Psh. Look, he fell. Shrug casually and offer him some advice on what he could’ve done. You know, if he was a real man. Psh.

Now it’s time to bring out the big guns. No, not your biceps, the figurative guns. Act like you’re super bored and casually ask her if she wants to get on ropes. She said yes? She wants the D. Also, this is now officially a date. Obviously. Heh, that makes it a double D. Heh….double D….anyway. Oh shit, she busted out a lead rope and is tying in. And you’ve never lead-climbed or lead-belayed before. Bro, it’s totally chill. You can wing it. Ask her to put the belay thingy on the rope while you bust over to the water fountain. Super important to stay hydrated. Now you look knowledgable and efficient. Cool, so now all you have to do is clip the belay thingy to that one loop and you’re in business! Not so fast bro, check her knot. This is totally not for safety (you’re not a loser), it’s an excuse to get cozy. Her knot is close to her body so, like, you have to get close to her body! See what I did there? Freaking genius bro. Make sure you give her knot a few tugs forward so she gets the idea in her head of your intentions for later. Yeahhh. And now she’s checking out your….oh wait, she’s just looking at your belay device. She says it’s clipped on wrong? Whatever bro, you can totally smooth talk your way out of this. Just tell her that that’s how the pros do it. Name drop that one guy….Hoonold! Yeah, say he does it! Now she’s saying it’s pronounced Honnold and he solos? Push, whatever that means. It’s probably not important. Oo, tell her if she sends this route she won’t be “solo” tonight! Yeah, that’s perfect! Now she’s telling you to give her slack…awww, it’s ok girl, not everyone knows it’s pronounced Hoonold. She’s tugging on her rope and looking at you meaningfully? This must be like that one dance move with the fishing pole! Aw yeah bro, let her reel you in! Shimmy on over and….wait, she’s untying? Does she want to go somewhere private? Ask. She doesn’t feel comfortable with you belaying her? Ha! Ok bro, this is a classic scenario. See, the thing is, you’re way out of her league. Make sure you shout that at her as she walks away. Yeah, way to get the last word! You stud, you! You sure showed her! Whatever bro. She’s clearly too dumb and blind to see what a catch you are. Her loss! Where’d that girl in the sweats go?